She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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