Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
