I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
