im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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