I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
