I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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