he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
