Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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