I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize