i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize