I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
