Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
