Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She bit a glass in half.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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