12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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