We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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