My liver just broke up with me...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
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