Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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