Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
