Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Pooping to opera.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
