It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize