1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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