I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
