This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
