I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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