I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
