I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
