broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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