everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just invented taco cereal.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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