I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize