I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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