Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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