The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
