I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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