I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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