some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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