Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
