There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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