When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
