please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
