This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sober January is a disaster.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
