everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
