WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
