do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
