Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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