I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
