shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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