you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize