I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
