Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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