We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
