If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
