I cannot find my penis.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
