so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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