he thought i was a dude.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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