The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
