Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
