This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize