Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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