I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
