I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
