my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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